The holidays bring us face-to-face with family – and sometimes, that means facing people who don’t respect our boundaries.
The aunt who asks intrusive questions about your dating life at dinner. The parent who criticizes your choices in front of everyone. The sibling who loves to bring up old wounds or “joke” about things that hurt.
Since it’s the holidays, there’s this unspoken pressure to just “deal with it.” To be nice. To not cause drama. To let things slide because “it’s family” and “it’s just one day.”
But when you don’t set boundaries you end up exhausted, resentful, and feeling like you betrayed yourself just to keep everyone else comfortable.
You’re allowed to protect your peace, even with family.
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you difficult, cold, or ungrateful. It makes you someone who values themselves enough to decide what they will and won’t accept.
Here are some approaches you can try this holiday season:
The redirect: When someone asks an intrusive question, acknowledge it briefly and then redirect. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m not discussing that right now. How’s work been going for you?”
The clear boundary: When someone crosses a line, name it directly but calmly. “I love you, but that topic is off-limits for me. Let’s talk about something else.”
The self-care exit: When you’re feeling overwhelmed, give yourself permission to step away. “I need to step outside for a bit.” Then actually go. You don’t need permission, and you don’t need to explain yourself.
The honest decline: If a gathering feels like it will be more harmful than helpful, you can choose not to go. “I won’t be able to make it this year, but I hope you have a great time.”
Now, I know what you might be thinking: “But what if they get upset? What if it causes conflict? What if they think I’m being dramatic?”
Here’s the truth: people who are used to you not having boundaries will be uncomfortable when you start setting them. They might push back, guilt trip you, or try to make you feel bad for protecting yourself.
That’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that the boundary is necessary.
Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things you can do – for yourself and for your relationships.
When you’re not constantly resentful and drained, you can actually show up as the best version of yourself.
You’ve got this. I believe in you.
With love,
Kate
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