The counterintuitive truth about attraction
You really like them! So, you text back immediately, clear your schedule when they’re free, laugh at all their jokes.
And somehow, they start pulling back.
Meanwhile, your friend who barely seems to care has people falling all over them. What gives?
Welcome to the attraction paradox, my friend!
The more you chase, the less attractive you become. The less you need someone, the more they want you.
It’s frustrating, it feels backwards, and it’s absolutely real. Let me explain why… and more importantly, how to stop sabotaging your own dating life.
Why Desperation Repels
When you’re over-invested too early, you’re broadcasting several unattractive messages:
“I don’t have options.” Scarcity signals low value. If you’re dropping everything for someone you barely know, it suggests no one else wants your time.
“I need you to validate me.” Attraction requires two whole people choosing each other, not one incomplete person using another to feel worthy.
“I’ll abandon myself for you.” When you sacrifice your boundaries, routines, and self-respect to keep someone interested, you’re showing them exactly how little you value yourself. Why would they value you more than you value you?
“I’m already attached to an idea of you.” You’re not falling for who they actually are—you’re falling for potential, for fantasy, for what you hope they’ll become. That energy feels suffocating, not flattering.
What “Trying Too Hard” Actually Looks Like
You might not realize you’re doing it, but here are the telltale signs:
- Texting paragraphs when they send one sentence
- Always being available when they reach out
- Overexplaining or apologizing for normal things
- Asking “what are we” or “where is this going” within weeks
- Strategizing every text, every response, every interaction
- Canceling plans with friends to see them
- Anxiety-checking your phone constantly
- Morphing your personality to match their interests
- Ignoring red flags because you’re so focused on making it work
The irony? All this effort makes you less attractive, not more.
The Energy That Actually Attracts
Here’s what magnetic people do differently – they show interest without self-abandoning.
They have full lives. They’re not sitting around waiting for texts. They have hobbies, friends, goals, and passions that matter to them. When they’re with you, you have their attention. When they’re not, they’re genuinely busy living.
They’re selective. They don’t fall for everyone who shows them attention. They’re evaluating compatibility just as much as trying to be liked. This makes their interest feel earned, not desperate.
They maintain boundaries. They don’t drop everything. They don’t tolerate disrespect. They’re not available 24/7. And paradoxically, this makes people work harder to be with them.
They’re comfortable with uncertainty. They’re not frantically trying to lock things down or get reassurance every five minutes. They can tolerate the ambiguity of early dating without spiraling.
They match energy, not exceed it. If someone texts once a day, they text once a day. If someone suggests plans, they sometimes suggest plans too. They create balance, not imbalance.
How to Stop Chasing and Start Attracting
1. Get a life (seriously)
Fill your calendar with things that matter to you. See friends. Pursue hobbies. Work on goals. Date multiple people until someone wants exclusivity. When you have genuine obligations and interests, you naturally won’t be over-available—and you’ll have interesting things to talk about.
2. Stay curious, not convinced
Instead of deciding you’re madly in love with someone you barely know, stay in observation mode. Who are they really? How do they handle conflict? Are they kind to service workers? Do their words match their actions? Evaluate them like they’re interviewing to be your partner—because they are.
3. Let them miss you
You don’t need to be constantly present, texting, calling, or seeing each other. Space creates desire. When you’re always there, there’s nothing to long for.
4. Respect yourself first
Don’t ignore red flags. Don’t accept breadcrumbs. Don’t bend over backwards for someone who won’t meet you halfway. When you respect yourself, others respect you too. When you don’t, they won’t either.
5. Detach from the outcome
Here’s the ultimate secret: you have to be genuinely okay with it not working out. Not pretending to be okay—actually okay. When you know you’ll be fine either way, the desperation disappears. And ironically, that’s when things often work out.
The Mindset Shift
Stop thinking: “How do I get them to like me?”
Start thinking: “Do I even like them? Are they earning my time and energy?”
Stop thinking: “I hope this works out.”
Start thinking: “If it’s right, it’ll be clear. If it’s not, I’ll be fine.”
Stop thinking: “I need to prove my worth.”
Start thinking: “I already know my worth. I’m seeing if they’re worthy of me.”
This isn’t arrogance. It’s self-respect. And self-respect is the most attractive quality you can have.
The Bottom Line
The person you want doesn’t want someone who needs them. They want someone who chooses them. There’s a massive difference.
Need is anxious. Choice is confident.
Need is scarcity. Choice is abundance.
Need is desperate. Choice is empowered.
When you stop chasing and start living a life you genuinely love, you become the person others chase. Not because you’re playing games, but because you’re finally being the secure, grounded, interesting person you actually are.
So here’s your challenge: For the next two weeks, focus on yourself first. Fill your life with things that genuinely matter to you. Let the person you’re interested in come to you. See what happens when you stop trying so hard.
Want help building genuine confidence and breaking the chase cycle? Book a complimentary 20-minute discovery call to discuss how coaching can transform your dating life.
