Let me explain…
As we sat on the edge of my bed side by side, I felt my face start to flush with fear and anger.
My emotions boiled up to the point where I couldn’t sit still any longer, I had to get up, get out, get away.
Through my tears, I pushed Bobby’s arms, which were lovingly wrapped around my shoulders, off with dramatic force. As I stood up in an attempt to avoid having to be vulnerable and show my feelings even more, he gently grabbed at me, desperate to keep me from imploding.
This was the first time I showed Bobby the “other side” of myself.
The side where I become explosive and inconsolable when I feel misunderstood, threatened or abandoned in any way.
You see, nothing had actually happened… I mean, Bobby was literally sitting there trying to hold me together. But something in our fight sounded alarms off in my head.
A trigger from my past had surfaced.
I was used to becoming heightened in my past relationships. The men I dated would do something horrible and when I’d inevitably find out, I’d feel my blood pressure rise and my vision blur. My arms would tingle and I’d become instantly lightheaded… sometimes to the point where I had to pull my car to the side of the road.
In the past, those sensations and feelings were signaling to me that I was in danger. Maybe not physically, necessarily, but emotionally without a doubt.
And after years of experiencing that rush of hurt, I formed a pattern where if I sensed even the slightest hint of trouble within my relationship, I would panic and become immediately escalated and reactive.
That was with them. Bobby was not them.
With Bobby, things were different. I was safe, secure, HELD.
And that meant that when those triggers would rear their ugly heads thanks to being deeply engrained in me from the past, I now had the opportunity to safely face them head on.
Truth is – the right relationship WILL trigger you. Having your old wounds surface is not always a sign that you are in the wrong dynamic.
The difference though is that in a healthy relationship, you will have the space, support and safety you need to heal those hurts… with your partner by your side.
If you’re in a great relationship (maybe even your first one ever), see your triggers as an opportunity, not always a setback.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Kate
